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tabbytomkat

A fanart sort of fine cartoonist
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I wasn't sure about coming back here depending on how tied up I may be weekly. I still have to establish my grounds and redevelop my social skills... and expand what I can write about as I can see I am limited of topics to discuss (I really need to explore for myself what is on the net, let alone TRY lol)...
Anyway, I do want to show some activity here, and this time I have to handle pressure of oncoming requests in a flood, just in case. I'm climbing back up to the surface and shall keep my gut sucked in this round. At the same time, (if only) I can manage my health too, because that's a factor too.
Just writing what is coming out my mind before I forgot, and I shall piece journals together to draw a rational coherent thought. 
I still have many ideas for art or doodles I do want to express. I just have to be more patient with how much time I could have before an emergency as well as figure out how to ameliorate my time management.
I may have to write more into journals, depending on what happened outside the computer and after, or the affects upon my own flow, and I want to take a stand for my flow for once.
I don't know if I can ask mom to hire a speech therapist, as I often feel I should. Not trying to communicate can be very dangerous to my well-being, and I wish I could break out. It can take at least a week... I figure I should keep on talking as much time I have; I can be like a munching furry monster to eat this dark raspberry blob that keeps growing and growing, try to finish this expanding blob until it turns minute and hopefully stays minute for the future. Euphoria can be dangerous too, i figure. I can't be sure. Again I'm just writing out my rough little head. Crude but in an effort to keep the conversation flowing.
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I don't know if I can actually make a piece for me soon. But I thought I could try and go into the gallery realm again, not just doing art for a specific fellow in private. I may be busy a lot offline because of my folks requesting me to take over more responsibilities. I'm still aiming to start planning what I am going to around when I graduate next year. All I can think about is being an Animator/Painter/Draftsman. I also do want to establish myself of regular academic taste before I can walk and blend in to the real world. I can't keep silent anymore. At the same time, I'm aiming to make art here and to see if I can garner more watches and hopefully I can have more company, and so I can talk to more. But I know I have to take social relationships as well as my own ambitions seriously. I may fall into temptation to draw out what catches my eye, and so I can keep in touch with whom whose concepts caught my attention. I may not have allowed requests or commissions unless I asked around. I had trouble keeping up with a client's demands. I can't do comics, I can't do like backgrounds, etc. But I do want to do my thing and learn some more. My problem was how I can manage as I follow the demands. I just want to show what I can do... but am I allowed to say NO to an involuntary request? Maybe that's me.
Will write more. pretty much nervous now. looking for classes.
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An idea...

1 min read
I figure I should make a support pack. Though I don't have a platform to receive any money... I often thought, based on my experience, more people will expect to be rewarded for offering non-financial help too, like my art to make up the difference, or money if i make a platform someday. If that's the case, then... OK that's cool v.v
If that's the case, then I thought of making a sort of support pack that I can post here. In exchange of verbal support. If any newcomer would like to state what should be seen, the more the merrier, then shout it out here. I can vote on it. I don't know if I can manage time, or how to make it perfect, because I may get interrupted by outside matters, and usually I improvise. (I may do clean sketches at least). If not then that's OK too. This is just an idea.
Any questions or suggestions?
Thanks
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It can't be like everyday... I often tend to let people ignore me, as I felt that they go about their lives and I wouldn't interrupt. I don't mean to be a pushover; I wouldn't speak up because I didn't want to tick off. And still I get yelled at and scolded. Why? Mainly because I don't talk. I wallowed in my shell without exactly knowing why. I still want to prove that I am human. To cope with a situation after an outside matter, I seek someone for whom to draw on my behalf, but i don't engage a conversation. Sometimes I did, with whom as they can listen to me without asking me for a doodle. I have great trouble saying no to a request, and I let them step on me.
I don't know how to say what I needed to say, because I didn't want to hurt feelings. I may get yelled at no matter what. I guess I deserved it. v.v I am seeking more people that can understand but deeper, and I wish to know how I can open up without coming off.

I was almost all week camping with my folks, and returning home I was digging up and browsing through my old doodles. I have big piles, and have little idea what to do with them. I did dig out some empty paper within the piles to see what I can draw. I rarely could attend to my preferences outside the computer...

I have great trouble speaking up and let anyone take over so I placed down my own tastes for their. There were many times where I actually gave up and I came back alive after that many. I needed to talk to someone, and I still do. I also announced to make a support pack in exchange of verbal support. I can never give up on an objective to talk. I often get dry throats and a sweatbreak after every defeat. I must do what I can for a victory next round or after. My folks gave me the same lecture, but the key word was "confidence". As they said, if I don't talk, there could be a chance that I could be someone's scapegoat, so I'm paraphrasing, and they will take advantage of me; I get yelled at a lot because I don't state if I don't understand what to do, whether it would be a house chore, or an important matter like for school. I don't exactly know if they can help someone with autism. They could say sometimes that nothing I do or ask for could be free, but moderately they could be wrong. I don't know because... I never asked.

I really am stubborn for not revealing my own feelings and opinions. I really am dense for not sharing what I like and don't like. I really am a fool for not establishing and going with who I am. But there is always another chance to let out my voice.

Returning home, I was weeping in bed late for my great uncle passing away. I wasn't sure how I could move on... so I was going through my old doodles.

I was looking at myself, how rare I am turning myself before I can open up in public. I did cry out for change. I wasn't doing it properly I suppose. I had the worst time management gig and the defeat attitude kept growing.

I don't know why I couldn't accept anything in return after all the artwork I did, I would say, "it's on the house". But the artwork is meant for whom is requesting. At some point earlier this year I did give up doing artwork for me, and it's not the first time. It happens a lot.
I gave so much but couldn't take so I can spend more time with family and adjusting to the real-world starting with going out with a buddy (why won't I hang out in the meantime, i don't know); I gave so much but couldn't take as much because of their value of their artwork (i did put in so much detail and yet I wasn't received well, why should that bother me at all, i don't know); I gave so much but i couldn't take because... aside from not having a PayPal or any platform? I get told a few times that I am generous. well yeah I am. ^^ But I am to modest for my own good; excessive modesty can, to exaggerate, be dangerous. And I felt it many times.
There must be a time that I have to speak, as another fellow of mine with whom I had a conversation says, i have to manage on a social relationship. I got asked if I ever sought counseling or a talk group.

I'm still not giving up no matter how many times I messed up or how much I failed to get through. I just need to say something. My question is: What do I say and how do I say? I just for once have to make sense. And attain confidence for one. 

I figure the result of this journal may draw a vein... I can take the heat, but I may not know why. I may be frozen stiff in worry. I have little idea what will happen. All I can think about is spending more time outside, and adjust for my family in case I fail the first few times due to a relapse or two. I do know my patterns between my behavior and the outside environment.

I am a great artist, and I should follow that. Yet I'm a modest person. I admit that I need more help. Is it free? I just want to make time to help myself, to love myself, and be confident with myself.

I will get interrupted once in a while every week, and will say YES to attend to a doodling board meeting at least once a week. I'm still waiting for the perfect time open up a perfect time to take a break for myself. That in which I can start searching for a school and career before I may graduate soon. The thing is I NEED to say something before I miss an opportunity for me, and very soon. As my folks said, I need to talk, and today.

I may get yelled at or scolded if I did say something (more often than not too late), and that's fine; I can handle that more than if I never do. If I don't understand something, I have to say it. I won't ever think about my autism as the cause anymore. I am a regular human being. I am going to be a loser sometimes; I can't be a loser every time, so my folks said. And for once I have to take control of myself.

Starting now, though, I should ask today or tomorrow if someone will, still.
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Verbal Support?

1 min read
Any way to break a creative block? Or at least some words of encouragement?
I thought I can conquer my lethargy, usually occurring after I had attended a request or after I get out after handling a matter offline.
I figure that if any artist can get support in Patreon®, maybe a shout, supportive comments, or some advice, can lift up my chin to full commitment to making new visual arts
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