It can't be like everyday... I often tend to let people ignore me, as I felt that they go about their lives and I wouldn't interrupt. I don't mean to be a pushover; I wouldn't speak up because I didn't want to tick off. And still I get yelled at and scolded. Why? Mainly because I don't talk. I wallowed in my shell without exactly knowing why. I still want to prove that I am human. To cope with a situation after an outside matter, I seek someone for whom to draw on my behalf, but i don't engage a conversation. Sometimes I did, with whom as they can listen to me without asking me for a doodle. I have great trouble saying no to a request, and I let them step on me.
I don't know how to say what I needed to say, because I didn't want to hurt feelings. I may get yelled at no matter what. I guess I deserved it. v.v I am seeking more people that can understand but deeper, and I wish to know how I can open up without coming off.
I was almost all week camping with my folks, and returning home I was digging up and browsing through my old doodles. I have big piles, and have little idea what to do with them. I did dig out some empty paper within the piles to see what I can draw. I rarely could attend to my preferences outside the computer...
I have great trouble speaking up and let anyone take over so I placed down my own tastes for their. There were many times where I actually gave up and I came back alive after that many. I needed to talk to someone, and I still do. I also announced to make a support pack in exchange of verbal support. I can never give up on an objective to talk. I often get dry throats and a sweatbreak after every defeat. I must do what I can for a victory next round or after. My folks gave me the same lecture, but the key word was "confidence". As they said, if I don't talk, there could be a chance that I could be someone's scapegoat, so I'm paraphrasing, and they will take advantage of me; I get yelled at a lot because I don't state if I don't understand what to do, whether it would be a house chore, or an important matter like for school. I don't exactly know if they can help someone with autism. They could say sometimes that nothing I do or ask for could be free, but moderately they could be wrong. I don't know because... I never asked.
I really am stubborn for not revealing my own feelings and opinions. I really am dense for not sharing what I like and don't like. I really am a fool for not establishing and going with who I am. But there is always another chance to let out my voice.
Returning home, I was weeping in bed late for my great uncle passing away. I wasn't sure how I could move on... so I was going through my old doodles.
I was looking at myself, how rare I am turning myself before I can open up in public. I did cry out for change. I wasn't doing it properly I suppose. I had the worst time management gig and the defeat attitude kept growing.
I don't know why I couldn't accept anything in return after all the artwork I did, I would say, "it's on the house". But the artwork is meant for whom is requesting. At some point earlier this year I did give up doing artwork for me, and it's not the first time. It happens a lot.
I gave so much but couldn't take so I can spend more time with family and adjusting to the real-world starting with going out with a buddy (why won't I hang out in the meantime, i don't know); I gave so much but couldn't take as much because of their value of their artwork (i did put in so much detail and yet I wasn't received well, why should that bother me at all, i don't know); I gave so much but i couldn't take because... aside from not having a PayPal or any platform? I get told a few times that I am generous. well yeah I am. ^^ But I am to modest for my own good; excessive modesty can, to exaggerate, be dangerous. And I felt it many times.
There must be a time that I have to speak, as another fellow of mine with whom I had a conversation says, i have to manage on a social relationship. I got asked if I ever sought counseling or a talk group.
I'm still not giving up no matter how many times I messed up or how much I failed to get through. I just need to say something. My question is: What do I say and how do I say? I just for once have to make sense. And attain confidence for one.
I figure the result of this journal may draw a vein... I can take the heat, but I may not know why. I may be frozen stiff in worry. I have little idea what will happen. All I can think about is spending more time outside, and adjust for my family in case I fail the first few times due to a relapse or two. I do know my patterns between my behavior and the outside environment.
I am a great artist, and I should follow that. Yet I'm a modest person. I admit that I need more help. Is it free? I just want to make time to help myself, to love myself, and be confident with myself.
I will get interrupted once in a while every week, and will say YES to attend to a doodling board meeting at least once a week. I'm still waiting for the perfect time open up a perfect time to take a break for myself. That in which I can start searching for a school and career before I may graduate soon. The thing is I NEED to say something before I miss an opportunity for me, and very soon. As my folks said, I need to talk, and today.
I may get yelled at or scolded if I did say something (more often than not too late), and that's fine; I can handle that more than if I never do. If I don't understand something, I have to say it. I won't ever think about my autism as the cause anymore. I am a regular human being. I am going to be a loser sometimes; I can't be a loser every time, so my folks said. And for once I have to take control of myself.
Starting now, though, I should ask today or tomorrow if someone will, still.